shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
