Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
