I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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