You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
