I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
