That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
