I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
