I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
