Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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