i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So many bounce houses so little time
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
