There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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