She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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