and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
