my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
