You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
where are my eyebrows?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
