i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
