i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
