I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
