I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
