No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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