while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
