Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think your dad took our porno
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
