The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
