Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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