Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
