I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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