we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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