i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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