I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
