her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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