I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
