Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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