Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
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Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
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I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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