people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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