If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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