I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
