i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
