Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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