The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
