I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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