Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
