i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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