i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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