Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
