hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should my penis look like a turkey
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize