I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
