how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
