What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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