I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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