WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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