I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
