i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Randomize
