Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
