Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
