I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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