Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
