based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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